I have this quote on my wall: “A man prayed, and at first he thought that prayer was talking. But he became more and more quiet until in the end he realized prayer is listening.” (Soren Kierkegaard). Right now this is where I am at, I am listening but let me back up a bit to tell you how I got here.
Several weeks ago I posted on Facebook that I was going through a trial of suffering and I could not really share what I was going through. The point wasn’t about the suffering but the result that I knew God was there for me. Since that time some radical shifts have happened and trials have taken a whole new turn. About 2 weeks ago I had a meeting with my husband in my bishop’s office that I was anxious about.
Let me share that I am an empath and what that means for me, as there are many different kinds of empaths, it means that I have a discernment of spirit and my spirit regularly communicates or acknowledges the spirits of others. Things like I know when women are pregnant, sometimes before they do, happens because I sense the two spirits in their body. Sometimes the spirits of others commmunicate to my spirit then my spirit in turn communicates with my consciousness. I don’t always get it right and am still working on that communication.
So this meeting that I had I knew there were several possibilities but I was leaning towards a certain one because of a sense from my spirit and that possibilitity was my least favorite.
During the meeting I found out I was right and I certainly did not like being right. In addition a whole lot of other things happened at that meeting. I walked out feeling I was covered in dust from the crumbling of my world. I also felt numb, lost and unloved. To make matters worse I felt abandoned by God. Part of being an empath means I have a relationship where I have conversations with my father in heaven much like I have conversations with any other person. He is there, I am here and we talk. But after the meeting I could not find him. He was not ‘there’.
I could not find him in his normal place because he was not in his normal place. He was all around me and carrying me. I have this picture in my mind of his carrying me out of the rubble of a building, thus the dust. He knew what that meeting would do to me. I had certainly prayed about it several times during the day. I have a greater understanding of the poem about footprints in the sand. I am now looking back at one set of prints instead of two.
After about a week he put me down. I was able to stand up, dust myself off and look back and then forward again. Have you ever noticed that when you are looking out at the world your viewpoint is limited? If you want to look at the sky you must move your head. If you want to look down again, you must move your head. Our vision is limited. However, God has an aerial view where he can see all. After the meeting I was nearsighted, only seeing what was about myself. I certainly didn’t see what He saw. My vision of what transpired was very limited and I was quite myopic.
The word, myopic, lead me to a talk given by the man I call a prophet, Russell M. Nelson. In the talk he shared a story about his grandson’s wife. She was looking for some kind of solace and his response was only, ‘myopic’. I scanned that talk again this morning picking out the word myopic. One quote by the granddaughter in law stood out to me, “Myopic caused me to stop, think, and heal.” 1 My shortsightedness caused me to be too far inward and not let me see the infinite opportunities around me. Most of those probabilities are only available if I am open to the hand of God. The talk, in general, is about how to let God prevail. But specifically the talk has, at least, one paragraph written just for me about my situation. I am still amazed how God knows what I need, when I need it and is willing to provide me with that even if I don’t see the need. Right now, being myopic is making me stop and think. I am beginning to work on the healing.
In the past, I have been blessed with the ability to look around and eventually see His hand in my life. These last few weeks has caused me to miss seeing His hand. As the dust has settled I now see how He was there all along. I can continue to trust knowing He had and has a greater point of view. With these new realizations I can have better confidence and let Him prevail.
This leads me back to the quote at the beginning. In order to allow myself to let Him prevail I must be willing to listen and follow the direction I receive. I will only find those in the quiet places of my soul and spirit. So my prayer is listening.